Crag of the Wild Goats - The Bradbarian Lyrics

In the time of the Hessians, the horseman stalked the forest, followed by his decapitated victims, always seeking to restore his own head
This horseman was a legend, and he terrorized the men with his blood-red sword
And as for the women, well, they whispered his name in the stillest of breaths
Afraid that he would be summoned, the children sang songs of him but dared not utter his name
This name
The name
John the Bradbarian
The guy with the horse and sword, and also a cat
The stories say that John the Bradbarian would enter a town on a solstice eve, shucking and jiving, shucking and jiving
And cutting the heads off of any man who danced a better jig
The Bradbarian's surly countenance was met perfectly by the animals he kept company with
The cat had terrorized so many villages before finding a home in John the Bratbarian's backpack
That its name had long become a curse to superstitious townspeople
And the children sang a dreadful song about this cat
This cat named Squibbles

Squibbles the cat will eat your lunch
Squibbles the cat will drink your punch
He's got no legs and he's got no paws
He once tried to kill Santa Claus

It wasn't a very good song
Squibbles the cat had his front legs lopped off in a brutal battle
When an angry old woman slammed the window on him before he could finish off a warm apple pie
But John the Bradbarian recognized the potential in this warrior cat
And legend has it that he sewed a metal cleaver and a Swiss army knife onto Squibbles as legs
With these new weapons Squibbles has become even more vicious
And then there is the horse
John the Bradbarian discovered his war horse on the south side of a meadow near the foot of Cravaugh Mountain
He spent days trying to earn the trust of this massive beast
And massive he was
This sleek black horse stood nineteen hands tall
On the fourth day John the Bradbarian got close enough that the horse nibbled some grass from his hand
The Bradbarian knew he had won it over
Until..
A volley of arrows swooshed through the air and planted into the ground in a circle around him
An old man stood at the edge of the field with four younger men, all with bows drawn
The old man lifted his head and shouted
Go on now! Git!!
The Bradbarian took off running and managed to evade the next group of arrows

John and Squibbles continued down the road for miles until they came upon a settlement
There were people milling about and many different animals
John approached one of these villagers to inquire about buying a horse
The villager looked at him appraisingly and said
I can help you out
The Bradbarian was unaware that he was speaking to the infamous criminal
Anthony de la Muerte
John followed Anthony up to a tent where he was introduced to Anthony's partner, Manny
Manny gave the Bradbarian the same look that Anthony had
Anthony told John of a very special war horse that they would be willing to sell
This horse had been through battles and had a very, very special skill
It could talk
John the Bradbarian immediately thought of all the things he could do with the talking horse
And quickly handed over the gold coins
Anthony told John that the horse would be ready to travel soon and that he should wait over by the gate at the end of the field at dusk
The Bradbarian arrived as planned and he waited
In the distance, he began to hear the sounds of hooves hitting the hard earth
Within moments his horse stood before him, black as the night, yet glowing in the rising moon

Silently, John grabbed the reins and they began a new journey
After nearly ten miles, the Bradbarian decided that it was safe to set up camp
He started a fire and tied the horse to a tree and then laid down to sleep
As soon as they heard John snoring, Anthony and Manny climbed out from under the black sheet and laid the stuffed horse head in the grass and then they too curled up by the fire and went to sleep